I would not say that I am pro at long term relationships; frankly the comment; "how do you do it?" freaks me out. You can't explain how to love someone or how to make a relationship work in one conversation; the easiest answer is "It's hard." Everyone sees a long term relationship and hopes that they too can have that relationship but its not that easy - seeing is believing but seeing is not achieving.
I have been with my high school sweetheart for over four years. This relationship may seem amazing from the outside looking in, but from the inside looking in it's something spectacular. It wasn't easy, it wasn't always fun, and it involved a lot of sacrifice. What most people want is to fast forward through the fighting, tears, and difficult conversations and get right to the cuddling, feelings, and love - THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!
My relationship has served as a learning curve; some of the most important things I learned I wanted to share:
1. Don't Say I Love You Too Soon
God bless Chandler, he was ready to say I love you before I was. I was young and had gone through so many relationships and I wanted to hold on to my love until I was 100% I was ready to give it away. He was my friend and I enjoyed dating him but that doesn't mean I loved him. He told me he loved me and I responded with "I appreciate your feelings but I do not believe that I love you yet."
He kept me around, that comment didn't lead to him leaving. In fact, it made the moment I decided to tell him I loved him that much more special. To my simple " I love you" he answered with "It's about time" and gave me a kiss. This is a moment that our relationship was built on. I never hold it against him that he said it first and he doesn't hold it against me for taking longer to feel it.
If you are really looking for love, don't rush into the 'I love you' those three words will be around forever, wait too long instead of rushing.
2. Don't Possess Him
I am a very territorial person, what's mine is mine. I don't share well, anything. This caused a lot of tensions. At one point I thought I had the right to Chandler when ever I asked. If I told him to do something and he didn't I would get mad. It was almost as if I thought my time and demands were more important than his, and they are not! He has the right to his freedom, I don't own him and he doesn't own me. It wasn't until many fights that it finally clicked that I was creating a gap in our relationship.
So many people think that having a man asking your to change something about yourself they are changing who you are and how dare they. That's where you are wrong, if you care about this person, look at what you are willing to improve in order to make your relationship better. If Chandler asked there are things that I would work/comprise on to make the relationship better, but there are also things that come hell or high water I will not manipulate. And Chandler understands that and I understand that there are something I can not change about him.
Another great part about our relationship is that some of the things that we are incapable of changing that makes us seem incompatible are some of the reasons why we are still together. We each have hobbies that may have received scrutiny from each other, but now those hobbies are a great way for us to preserve our individuality.
Don't try to own him or his time. He is capable of handling himself and his time, if not, you are trying to create a relationship with the wrong person.
3. Save Yourself for Him
I'm not talking necessarily abstinence. I am talking about not flirting with other guys, not dancing with other guys, and not giving away your feelings to other guys. Just because you don't have someone else that you are involved with doesn't mean you're not cheating. Each couple has a different idea of what cheating is and that is something that should be defined within in the relationship once you become comfortable with each other.
Early into our relationship Chandler and I talked about what was okay and not okay. As a girl that always had more guy friends than girls there were perimeters placed on my relationships with them in order to maintain a flow of trust in our relationship. After some rocky times, we have to adapt the standard of cheating.
Emotional cheating is another issue that we have faced. Emotional cheating is not flirting or touching others but sharing issues within our relationship with someone of the opposite gender. This can build a divide, especially if they seek that person out of comfort, it can be come a repeating occurrence and affection is sometimes misconstrued by both parties. Seeking the comfort of someone outside of your relationship can lead to added stress. If you want to talk to someone about what happened talk to your significant other.
Also, if you are thinking about being with someone else during your relationship, don't punish your partner by dragging them along for the ride. Love them and only them. And just because you break up doesn't mean you don't love each other, sometimes you have to love each other enough to know that you are in an unhealthy relationship or you have to see that you are not loving at full capacity and that your partner deserves that much - if you are both looking for love.
4. It's not an eye for an eye
If you decide to adapt this method, do it for the good things. If he pays for dinner one night, offer the next time you go out. But don't play the power struggle game, "he did it so it's okay for me to do it too." I experienced this feeling before the above lesson was learned. He had confided in someone else and despite the feelings of hurt I had, I confided in someone else too. Both of us made discussions we regretted, but mine was filled with more regret. Soon the retaliation battle continued, until we had a huge fight that could have ended our almost four year old relationship.
This is not a method I would recommend. It is a lot of work to come back from an argument based on this method. And it is better to avoid thinking about what the other did the next time you fought. This is a very personal part of our relationship and I am sharing it because I really hope that if you learn anything from this post it is that you don't attempt to equal each other on the negative things/acts, instead forgive and build. (I love you Chandler!)
5. Protect Each Other
Stand up for each other. Even against yourself. Don't let someone bad mouth them in front of you, especially during a fight. Protect him from yourself by not fight so intensely that you change your view of your partner. The mind is powerful and you can make anything worse if you think about it. Remember all of the good things that they have done for you and all of the challenges you two have over come and place this fight in perceptive - is it worth it? Can we come back from it? Will it advance our relationship? If the answer to these are no, stop fighting and stand back and look at yourself and what you want.
Also, protect each other for stupid fights. Don't fight just to fight. Been there and done that and it sucks for both of you, you often bring up old fights and old feelings and it leads to hurt feelings and nothing good.
6. Call Him Your Best Friend
This takes longer, just because you love someone doesn't mean they are your best friend. When they become your best friend you want to call them after anything happens.
Actual Conversations:
"Chandler! What're you doing?"
"Walking home from class."
"No way, me too! Guess what I just saw!"
"What?"
"You!"
Yes this makes us that gross, mushy couple that everyone swears that they won't become, but it happens. We talk about bodily functions and he always knows the newest gossip. He also knows more about greek life than I think he cares to. If you have been in a long term relationship and do not rank your boyfriend as your best friend, you need to give him more chances. Open up to him with the chance to be your best friend. He isn't replacing your girlfriends. He is adding to your collection. Love him for being your boyfriend and your best friend.
7. Respect Each Other
Many times in our relationship Chandler has said something that lead me to reply with "I respect what you're saying but..." and when I say this, I really do respect what he is saying, feeling, and sharing. I respect that when he is mad at me, when he doesn't want to hang out, and when all he wants is affection. Everyone has heard that trust and communication are the basic building blocks of a relationship; respect should be added to that list, if not the top of the list.
Each of you deserve respect, by being in a relationship together you have chosen to be respectful of each other. Respect stretches though all aspects of the relationship. If you can't respect each other and their choices, then do you expect them to respect you and the relationship?
This is not a comprehensive list because it would have to have a million points. But these have all proven to be incredibly important in Chandler and I's relationship!
